


everything you left behind became my everything

by honeyama



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, post yuki’s death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24059401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyama/pseuds/honeyama
Summary: mafuyu is trying to recover from yuki’s death
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki, Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> warning, this starts with yuki’s suicide :) <3

The room smelled like him. It smelled like the cologne Yuki would always wear. The scent made Mafuyu’s chest ache in familiarity and in sadness. The room also smelled like beer. So much beer. Cans littered the bedroom floor, around the bed, around the small wooden stool, and beneath Yuki’s desk. They were all empty and crushed. Mafuyu’s heart felt the same when his sunset eyes were frozen on Yuki’s body. His lover, his best friend, his _everything_ was lifeless before him. 

Mafuyu wanted to run but his legs didn’t allow him to move. He was glued to the floor and his eyes were stuck on the body in front of him. His eyes burned with tears and his throat was locked. He couldn’t muster out a sob or a yell. Mafuyu was sure he wasn’t even breathing. 

He shivered. The room was cold too. 

“Yuki,” He whimpered. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” He was too late.

If Mafuyu had arrived earlier, then maybe Yuki’s heart would still be beating and he would still be breathing. Finally, he broke down. The tears flowed like waterfalls from his eyes, his throat ached, his heart was beating violently against his chest, and his mind was racing but he couldn’t even think at the same time. 

Mafuyu couldn’t remember what else he did the day of Yuki’s death. He could only remember the worst part of it, which was seeing Yuki in that state. He couldn’t remember what he had for breakfast, what he wore, or if he had pet Tama that day. That day and that moment was always on replay in his head like a movie, a movie that seemed to last eons. Like a movie whose reel was broken so it replayed that specific scene over and over again. 

He didn’t want to think about it again, but he couldn’t stop. It was a constant reminder of his own fault. It was all his fault. If only he didn’t say those words then maybe Yuki would be cuddled up against him on this lonely Sunday morning. Maybe Yuki would be playing with his fingers, telling him he loved him as he kissed anywhere he could reach from his spot beside Mafuyu. 

But it wasn’t like that. Instead, his bed was empty and cold. The right side of it left untouched since Yuki would like to sleep on that side. Mafuyu did feel lonely. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. His eyes felt raw from sobbing the night away. 

Mafuyu didn’t feel like getting out of his bed. He wanted to stay under the covers, where it is warm and safe. He wanted to fall back asleep, but whenever he closed his eyes, memories from that dreadful night flashed in his mind. 

Tama started to softly yip at him. Mafuyu let his hand fall down the side of the bed to pet the fluffy dog. The animal licked his hand excitedly. 

“I can’t go for a walk right now.” Mafuyu said to him as he scratched behind his fluffy ears. 

He felt so pathetic. 

He felt so pathetic because he couldn’t even get up to do the simplest things like brushing his teeth, or at least to stretch for a bit. He felt like he was being crushed by a heavy weight that he couldn’t get off. It felt heavier by the second and Mafuyu felt as if he was suffocating. He felt empty. There wasn’t a single drop of emotion in him. He didn’t feel sad or happy or anything in between. He felt lifeless and empty. His mind was like TV static, his heart had a void in it. The void was shaped like a boy, a beautiful one. 

Mafuyu wanted someone to be there with him. He wanted comfort, but then again, he didn’t want any since he didn’t want to feel like a burden. But being alone hurt. 

Tama whimpered sadly beneath him. Mafuyu stopped petting him. Tama barked at him and he continued until Mafuyu shushed him. 

“Tama!” Mafuyu shouted. The dog cowered. “I’m sorry. Fine, let’s go for a walk.” 

Getting dressed and eating something light was a challenge, but he managed to do the simple tasks that felt so large and tiring, easily. He unlocked the door and the dog lead him out. He locked it then they were off into the city below. 

The day was sunny and it was clear. Mafuyu was silent during the walk. He kept his head down as he did, which would probably be dangerous, but at this point, Mafuyu didn’t care anymore. He didn’t want to feel the pain he was feeling anymore, but Tama needed him. 

He reached cobblestone streets. He paused. He could recognize these streets anywhere. He looked up. There were rows of houses and other buildings. It was the street he and Yuki lived and grew up on. His nose tingled. He wasn’t going to cry. Not today. Not again. He took in the scenery. This was the place he and Yuki roamed and claimed as theirs.

Mafuyu broke into a jog to get away from that place. 

The walk continued for a while more until Mafuyu grew tired. Once he was home, he hopped in the shower since he had band practice later that day. After his slow shower, he drank some water and fed Tama. He went back to his room then turned on the radio to get rid of the loud silence. 

He flipped through a couple radio stations, many of them were on commercial break until he stopped on one station that played all too familiar lyrics. 

_When you were here before_  
_Couldn't look you in the eye_  
_You're just like an angel_  
_Your skin makes me cry_

Mafuyu’s breath was knocked out of him. His eyes burned and his nose tingled once again. This was Yuki’s favorite song.

_You float like a feather_

_In a beautiful world_

_I wish I was special_

_You're so fuckin' special_

Yuki played this song on his acoustic guitar he had before he upgraded, multiple times whenever they were alone in his room after they’ve touched and loved each other and when they were on the beach they both loved at night on the sand as waves reached the shore dragging everything it has touched back to the ocean.

He remembers when Yuki first played this song. 

—

Mafuyu was out of breath. His lower back ached and his jaw was sore and his legs were shaking as well. Yuki seemed fine, except for his shortness of breath and and sore legs. Mafuyu thought Yuki looked so beautiful at this moment. His hair was a mess, but it only made him cuter, marks were blossoming on his neck, and he looked as if he were glowing. 

Yuki’s honey eyes were gazing down at him as his soft and warm palm was gently cupping Mafuyu’s tear-stained cheek, his thumb stroking it free from tears. 

Mafuyu had never felt so happy and in love until that very moment. He was on top of the world, he felt like he could conquer anything if Yuki was by his side. He reached up and cupped Yuki’s cheek too, mirroring him. With his other arm he pushed himself up to close the distance between them. 

He tasted like Mafuyu and his lips were soft and plump from being kissed multiple times over and over again. They were one in that moment. 

When they broke apart to catch their breath, Yuki kissed his head then got up from his bed, only dressed in his boxers and the cute surfer style beaded choker Mafuyu made when they were tiny children. At the time, the necklace didn’t fit him, but then he grew into it and he never took it off. 

Mafuyu already missed Yuki’s touch when he left the bed. He covered his bare self with Yuki’s sheets and waited for his return. 

The other boy fished through his closet then brought out an acoustic guitar. It wasn’t dusty, it was recently used. He sat on the bed and tuned it. Mafuyu watched as he leaned against his hand. He looked at the guitar then up at Yuki who looked radiant. Mafuyu couldn’t keep his eyes off him. He felt himself smiling and his heart swelling in immense love and fondness. Yuki’s gaze was fixed on the guitar pegs. His teeth were holding the guitar chip and somehow, Mafuyu thought that was attractive. 

They honey-eyed boy took the chip from his mouth then strummed the guitar to check if it was tuned. He hummed in affirmation then began to play a song. 

It wasn’t a song Mafuyu was familiar with, but it had a nice melody to it. He watched Yuki’s magical fingers on the neck of the guitar, hypnotized by them. 

“Don’t get any perverted thoughts, Yu.” Yuki said, his eyes flicking up to meet Mafuyu’s. His lips formed into a smirk that looked way too good on him. 

Mafuyu’s cheeks and ears burned. He let out a soft laugh. “I’m not. You wouldn’t know anyways.” He replied, his voice soft and almost gone. 

Yuki shook his head and laughed. He continued to play. He opened his mouth again to sing. The song had a melancholy and regretful feel to it. Mafuyu watched Yuki and the way his mouth moved as he sang the sad lyrics; he wanted to kiss him so bad. 

The song finished too quickly. Yuki looked up. 

“How was that? I’ve always liked this song, and I wanted to learn it on guitar.” Yuki asked, his tone soft. 

Mafuyu smiled at him and leaned towards him. He moved the guitar out the way and sat on his lap. Yuki’s hands held him by his hips and his eyes were staring at Mafuyu’s sunset ones. 

“It was beautiful. You’re very talented.” Mafuyu said and it was true. It was so true. 

He shivered when Yuki ran his hands up and down his naked sides and over his thighs. Mafuyu connected their lips and kissed him softly. Yuki’s tongue invaded his mouth then Yuki rested Mafuyu back on the bed. They broke apart much to Mafuyu’s disliking. 

“Thank you. Maybe I’ll play this song to you often.”

”I would like that very much.” 

—

The song on the radio faded out and another one played. A much more cheerful song that Mafuyu has no painful, bittersweet memories with. Mafuyu didn’t realize that he was crying until his eyes started the all too familiar sensation of aching. He turned the radio off and he was once again met with silence. Silence was his best friend and he hated it. He hated the silence so much. He wanted to listen to Yuki’s hearty laugh, or his beautiful singing voice, or his cheeky jokes again. But he couldn’t, and he had to deal with those losses. 

His phone vibrated. He looked at the message that was on his lock screen. It was from Uenoyama. 

_Practice soon! Don’t be late._ It read. 

Mafuyu was looking forward to it. Music made him feel better but he wasn’t looking forward to having to talk and socialize with his friends since his energy was low enough as it is.

He grabbed his coat since the temperature will drop later and his guitar case and headed out. The commute there seemed faster since Mafuyu didn’t think much about it. He reached the building and headed in and to the room they always used. His teammates were already there, setting up their instruments. 

Mafuyu got to work and silently set up his guitar. 


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains spoilers for ep. 9 :)
> 
> also!! when you see — that means it’s a flashback :))

Band practice went swimmingly. Mafuyu was constantly getting praised from Haruki saying that his guitar skills were getting better and better by the day, but he was also being lectured by Uenoyama since his lyrics for their song was still unfinished. 

“The deadline is soon. We can’t just go up there with nothing.” Uenoyama sighed once he finished his lecture that seemed to last forever. He started to pack up his things and Mafuyu felt as if he should do the same but he just stood there, absorbing everything Uenoyama just said. 

Mafuyu didn’t want to disappoint them. He’s disappointed far too many people in his life, and he didn’t want to add more. First person he has ever disappointed was his dad who always used violence toward him whenever he spoke. Adding onto the list were his friends, Hiiragi and Shizusumi for various reasons. Mafuyu felt as if three people were enough, he didn’t want more to disappoint. 

Mafuyu was disappointed in himself as well. He had so much to say, but for some reason, he doesn’t have the right words to say what he wants. The notebook in his room on his bed lies unopened and unused. The notes in his phone was void of any letter. 

“Mafuyu, you okay?” Haruki asked as he placed his hand on the vocalist’s shoulder. Mafuyu slightly flinched at the touch. The bassist didn’t seem to notice it. “Don’t mind Ue too much, he’s just stressed like the rest of us. If you don’t end up writing lyrics, that’s okay, we can just play instrumental.” 

Mafuyu wordlessly nodded and started to pack up as well. His mind was empty but his heart began to ache again. 

He exited the building and began his journey home. Uenoyama was walking beside him silently. The black haired boy was always so still and quiet whenever he was near the vocalist, but Mafuyu never understood why. 

“Sorry for yelling at you earlier,” Uenoyama muttered. “I know how hard writing lyrics is, especially for a newbie. I should’ve known better.” 

Mafuyu remained silent. He knew writing lyrics is a difficult task. He’s seen Yuki struggle with it more times he can count. He fully remembers laying on Yuki’s bed as said boy was playing with his brand new guitar and trying to write something in his notebook. 

“I’m going to write a song about you.” Yuki had said in that moment.

Mafuyu was taken by surprise. 

Writing the song then wasn’t all that difficult since he had an inspiration. 

Mafuyu figured his song could be about Yuki. Singing the song and performing it in front of people could possibly the easiest yet scariest way to express what he’s feeling. His heart raced at the thought. 

“I wonder what goes on in your head.” Uenoyama mumbled beside him. 

“Not much.” Mafuyu replied softly. It was quite a lie. A lot goes in his head but it became so normal that the thoughts in his head became numb and almost muted. It was almost like background noise when someone is doing something and the TV was playing. You know it’s playing and you can hear it, but at the same time you don’t. That’s how it was in his head. 

“I don’t know much about you,” Uenoyama said. “I’m always wondering why you have an expensive ass guitar, why you’re quiet but have a voice of an angel, and why you’re so interested in music when you know nothing about it.” 

Mafuyu didn’t want to tell him why. He really didn’t. At least, not yet, since he wasn’t ready to open up to someone he’d just met about a month ago. 

The sunset eyed boy only smiled. “Well curiosity killed the cat, huh?” 

“Guess so.” Was all Uenoyama said before they parted ways and Mafuyu was left alone.

When Mafuyu arrived home he began to work on the lyrics. It became easier once he gained his inspiration. His ideas flowed to him continuously and he wrote until his hand started to hurt and the tears that streamed down his cheeks rained on the notebook paper. 

—  
The sound of a pencil scratching against paper was a comforting sound and it made Mafuyu smile against his own will. He liked having his boyfriend next to him, he liked his presence. 

Mafuyu was upside down, his head hanging off the edge of Yuki’s bed and Yuki was leaning against the edge of the bed as he was seated on the floor. The strawberry blonde was reading a book that he had to analyze for an English class. It was a rather boring book. 

Yuki stopped writing and turned towards Mafuyu and propped his elbow on the bed and stared at him. Of course, Mafuyu paid no attention to him since he had to read his book, but when Yuki started to touch his cheek and ear and all around the side of his face it made it hard to do so. 

Mafuyu put his book down on his chest and turned his head to the side. Their eyes met and Mafuyu felt his whole body burn. Yuki stood up on his knees and pressed his lips against Mafuyu’s. It was a sloppy upside down kiss but they both loved it. 

“Living your Spiderman dream?” Mafuyu asked once they broke apart. 

“Of course. Who wouldn’t want to do the iconic upside down Spiderman kiss?” Yuki questioned but Mafuyu didn’t answer, instead he kissed him again and again and again. 

“How’s your song going?” Mafuyu asked once they broke apart to breathe. Yuki kissed his nose then sat back down on the floor. The smaller boy turned his body so he wasn’t upside down anymore. He looked down at the coffee table where his boyfriend’s notebook is. 

It was a messy rough draft of lyrics. Words were crossed out with scribbles, other notes were written in the margins, and eraser marks littered the page and coffee table. 

“It’s, well..going.” Yuki replied and picked up his pencil again and started to edit the draft. 

It was fascinating to see; the way Yuki’s ideas easily flowed to him. The taller boy picked up his red guitar and started to play a couple notes. 

“What’s this song about?” Mafuyu asked as he played with Yuki’s soft hair. 

“That’s a secret.” Yuki looked up at him and Mafuyu connected their lips again. 

—

The song was finished. Mafuyu played the song on his guitar and sang the lyrics softly to himself. His heart hurt again and he wondered if it included everything he felt and wanted to say. 

He wasn’t sure if he was ready to sing. He found himself asking if people would even like the song. Would they know what it’s about? Would they be able to feel what he feels? 

His questions would be answered in a week during their performance. 

Mafuyu silently put his notebook and guitar away before taking a shower and falling asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took forever, i accidentally forgot about it then did bkak week then school started lol

**Author's Note:**

> hola so this is going to have multiple chapters. i don’t know how much yet but when it ends it ends lol i’m kind of excited for this


End file.
